Oh you’ll never guess who I ran into at the cleaners, I about died when I saw her. I was standing behind her in line and if it wasn’t for the voice I never would have guessed it was Suzy. She’s as big as a house. Her butt was so wide it’s a marvel she can get in and out of a car. Remember how cute and tiny she used to be, how she was always the top of the pyramid in our cheering routines? She must have put on a good hundred pounds, maybe two. I kid you not. It made me feel ok with the mere thirty I’ve gained. The craziest thing was, she was totally flamboyant. I mean, if I weighed three hundred pounds, I’d stay under a rock. I sure as heck wouldn’t dye my hair purple and pierce my ears six times each. Yes, purple. Well the earrings alone. You know, when somebody has six holes per ear, they usually wear something kind of basic, like little wire graduated hoops, but no, each earring was different, dangly, like a little riot of sparkly colors slam dancing there on the sides of her neck. And her outfit: rainbow and glitter meets king size deep pocket sheet, with streaming Mylar fringe on the hem. Turns out she’s divorced, big surprise; looking like that she’d have to be divorced. My Jimmy was never one for trendy fashion, you know that’s why I stick to Talbot’s and Land’s End, and frankly, I’d be scared to meet the man who would put up with a wife in a crazy get-up like Suzy had on. Not to mention her size.
Boy was she chatty. I could barely get a word in edgewise. Apparently she nearly died in a helicopter crash, and it changed her life. Long story short, she chose food over men, said that the pleasure of eating was better than the pleasure of sex. I guess a few of us have had that thought from time to time, HA! But who would ever act on that? She’s got some weird career now; she calls herself a Fun Coach. You won’t believe this: she teaches rich workaholics how to relax and enjoy life, and she makes a pretty penny doing it, not to mention the bennies. It is her business to know all the best restaurants, the most romantic luxury hotels, the most decadent leisure activities. Things you and I might do once, twice in a lifetime, she’s doing several times a week. Sounds likes she’s best friends with the wine steward at the French Laundry. Can you stand it? Plus she never worries about her size, or what people might think of her clothes. I got the feeling she doesn’t worry about anything. Odd as it sounds, she looked good. I mean, she had this liveliness about her that made me smile, just standing there, kind of like her happiness was oozing out of her and spilling into me. You know I’ve been so worried about my daughter Torie’s engagement to that dead-beat rock’n’roller, and stressed out over the guest bathroom remodel, with those flakey contractors, that it was like a mini vacation, standing there, watching the light glinting off her earrings, reminding me of how sometimes plain old dull black pavement sparkles when the angle of the sun hits it just right.
I had to run. I was late to pick up the twins from their clarinet lesson, and the dog from the groomer, and I had a conference call at five, so I was on a schedule, as always. It got me to thinking, though. Not that I don’t like my life, of course I love my kids. Jimmy’s kind of a pain in the butt, he can’t help being a complainer, but I love him, I do. I don’t think anybody can be married for twenty years, and not lose the pizzazz in the process. Pizzazz is for teenagers, anyway. My accounting business is predictable, yeah, it borders on boring, but I make good money, good enough, anyway. That’s what everybody really wants in a job, isn’t it? Something you can count on. I wonder if there’s any security in being a Fun Coach. Not that I’m considering a career change, not at my age, that would be stupid. I wonder how much she charges? Maybe I should hire her for an hour or two, wouldn’t that be a kick? I got her card, just in case.
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